It appears that my plans to carouse and cavort in the local flesh pots have been dealt a cruel blow.

I have been laid low by a vicious flu virus.

I have shot the chickens just in case.

In my absence you may gaze with wonder at a couple of international celebrities.

New Years Honours List.

Dear Doddery,

Please find enclosed a Dukedom and Peerage.

"For services to culverts, potholes, and bleeding tar."

Her Majesty is still considering your request for a new shovel handle.

Yours in Superiority,

Archibald Snot
Dispenser of Gongs.
P.S.
This entitles you to be addressed as "Lord Fart, or Duke Doddery", to sit above the salt, and a 5% discount on tweed.

I'm Stuck, ... Pass The Camera.

This sort of thing causes a bit of hilarity among the crew.
until a couple discover they are stuck too.

Still when it's a neat spot by the river on a nice morning, it is a case of drawing straws to see who goes back to the depot on a mercy mission, for the loader.

There is also some puzzlement as to my immediate reaction to take a photo.
I have tried in vain to convince them that there is enjoyment in a glorious mistake, pride in a monumental cockup, and so on.
They will have none of it.

Personally, I think if a thing is worth doing,
It's worth fucking up.

Two Winds.

Hautoru,
A boat belonging to one of my work mates, at her mooring in the Mokau River.

click pic for bigger version

Stuff You Should Know

"Kept awake at night by a snoring partner?

It might be a good idea to ask them to take up playing the didgeridoo.

New Swiss research has found that playing the didgeridoo can help reduce snoring and the day time sleepiness associated with the syndrome known as obstructive sleep apnoea."

Mind you, the sound of a learner on a didgeridoo could also incite muderous thoughts....

A good machine operator will continually keep his hand in.

He will practice his craft where ever possible.

Even on holiday.

Back To Work

" Overcrowding was a problem as early as the late 1880s. To generate revenue and reduce the prison population, officials began leasing convicts to outside contractors and adopted the chain gang system, which allowed prisoners serving short-term sentences to work on road maintenance crews in their home counties." (South Carolina State Penetentiary)

Well back to slaving over hot tarmac for a few days.
There will be rubbish to be picked up from the rest areas and no doubt a few signs and fences have been hit.
We have plenty to do.
Trouble is my "Get up and go" seems to have "Got up and went".

"Gluttony conveyed by Drunkenness" This drinking vessel is as unusual as it is valuable. It was made in 1550 and shows a fat drunk in a wheelbarrow being pushed by Bacchus. The work was cast in silver and parcel gilt.

Well what a neat Xmas.
Some mild debauchery with good friends, and we chewed through a goodly amount of farmlife and fauna.

We imbibed and quaffed a bit as well.

It was peaceful and relaxing, no call outs, no accidents.

A marked contrast to last year.

Best of all though,
Lots of naps.

There is a lot to be said for a doze.
Especially when you have eaten a whole box of chocolate whisky liquers in one hit.

Merry Xmas, .... To All

"The Council of Trade Unions wants New Zealanders to spare a thought for the thousands of people working Christmas Day who ae now rewarded for their efforts under new employment laws." (NZ Herald)

Last year, I had my Xmas dinner off the bonnet of a police car.
There had been a terrible accident and horror hung in the air.

Money, pay, overtime, were the last things on our minds, but at least on payday there was a small, heavily taxed, silver lining.

Today, God willing, I am not working, but to those who are, Thanks.

Connections

I met a blogger in the flesh last night.
Hanan rolled into town.
He stayed at Casa Fart.

We welcomed him with Highland Pipe Bands, Fire Engines, and a dressed up Llama.

Actually it was the town Xmas parade but he will never know that.

We discussed the meaning of life, ice creams and elephants.

It was all good.

Travellers on State Highway 3 are warned that we on the road never sleep, and any embarrassing moments of the cross country variety are liable to be shared with the world.
It's quiet so far.
Thank goodness Xmas falls on a Sunday.

Having Pride In Your Work

This sort of thing must make working on the road a bit interesting in some places.
It is one thing to worry about traffic, but being dragged off by a maneating tiger must keep you on your toes.

One Lump, Or Two ?

In daylight we start clearing the slip that had us out in the middle of the night.
The digger cuts a track and climbs up onto the top of the slip. He can then pull down any loose rock off the cliff face.

However the digger now has a problem. It has lifted a mudstone boulder, but to load the 6 wheel truck has to swing out and the inside track is already close to lifting off the ground.

A bit of head scratching and we came up with a solution.

After dropping it onto the road, we ended up sliding it up the tray of my truck.

I then drove rather gingerly as it wobbled about on the back.

Crash Your Car Early This Xmas.

This rather surrealist photo is part of a big slip which came down tonight.
We have managed to push everything off the road, but it will take at least a day to cart it away.
I was also hauled out of bed after two cars, in two seperate incidents crashed on the same corner.
We also have a 4x4 submerged in the Awakino River, after it ran off the road.
And the weekend is only half over....

Hot Trotters

While you Townies are shopping and doing the Xmas work party thing, it's all on out here in the sticks.
Shearing is going full blast.
There is a bit of rain around, enough to give the country pubs a bit of a bite at the pay cheques.
The strawberry growers are flat out picking, and the last thing you want to be at the moment is a turkey or a pig.
We are flat out grooming the Queens Highway in readiness for the holiday hordes.
It is hot out there too.
The sun is high.
The heat blasts back at you from the tarseal, your feet cook.
Still it's better than being a pig,
and air conditioned or not, you can have your office.

How Many Lumps With That ?

THE only animal to have prompted a security warning from the US Government is back on the rampage.

Mutware, a sweet-toothed elephant with a penchant for violence, has resumed his wave of destruction in the volatile Great Lakes region of eastern Rwanda.

The 37-year-old bull African elephant is reported to have destroyed at least three cars in the Akagera National Park, adding to his fearsome reputation.
In April the US Embassy in Kigali was so concerned by the antics of "The Chief" that it issued an alert to its citizens.

"It's only in the mating season that he gets aggressive, and that's because he is solitary and has no female, "James Muhizi, a park ranger at Akagera, said, adding that if Mutware blows dust into the air and stamps a foot, you'd better get out of the area.

Well I'd pay good money to see this car tootle through Mutware's turf.

You would need an awful lot of sugar cubes and 7 Up

"The only person who can calm Mutware is Boniface Zakamwita, a 54-year-old ranger who has known the elephant for more than 20 years. His trick? Tossing sugar cubes into Mutwareï's mouth and offering fizzy drinks as a bribe to get him to stand still."

It's only rock & roll, but I like it...

"Noise control officials had the tables turned on them when police were summoned to a rowdy staff party after residents complained about the loud music. Kapiti Coast District Council staff - including noise compliance officers - were partying hard and enjoying a night off from investigating complaints, the Dominion Post reported today. But their knees-up drew complaints from Te Horo residents who could not hear their own televisions over the din. Peter Vaughan, who lives opposite the hall in School Rd, said he walked out to inspect the party and was shocked when he saw the council vehicles parked along the verge and realised it was a council function. Sergeant Noel Bigwood was on traffic control when a resident flagged him down outside the hall about 9.20pm to complain about the noise. He told the partygoers to lower the noise level. "
Source:NZPA
Link

A Few Quiet Ones...

Our work Christmas party soon.
I must make a real effort at restraint this year...

Leaving your car unattended

" The opportunist car thief is after a vehicle providing easy access, that can be started without difficulty, and driven away quickly. This type of thief is unlikely to be deterred by window etching, but a vehicle fitted with an anti-theft device will provide a good level of protection..."

NZ Police

Losing The Plot

A bit of rain on a weekend and we can find the drains and water table filled with cars. There were six people killed on the roads this friday, and any number of minor crashes. Here are two I discovered this morning. Speed is an obvious factor here, both cars heading towards the camera failed to take the corner.

Both got a bloody good fright.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way ...

The Rat & The Drainpipe.

Water blasting is a good way to clean blocked culverts.
A "rat" which has forward and backward facing jets is fed up the pipe.
Some rats have a spinning vane that can cut tree roots.
A lot of water at about 2,500 lb pressure shifts most things.
Stones shotblasting your legs can be a bit painful.

It is a great activity to watch however.

Damn baked beans...

Down To The Wire...

Its Webby Award time
There has been furious lobbying, for Best Australian or NZ Blog.
Now it's the finals...
O.K., I'll go for Llew
Mike will tell you how

It might be the last chance for a while,
guess who is heading our way
the MegaBlogger cometh...

Dropping the car off...

Living a long way from the Garage presents a bit of a logistical problem when it is time for a warrant check.
Not any more ..
Put car on back of truck, pick up on way home...

Gutters I Have Known ...

'Twas an evening in October, I'll confess I wasn't sober,
I was carting home a load with manly pride,
When my feet began to stutter and I fell into the gutter,
And a pig came up and lay down by my side.
Then I lay there in the gutter and my heart was all a-flutter,
Till a lady, passing by, did chance to say:
"You can tell a man that boozes by the company he chooses,"
Then the pig got up and slowly walked away.

I am no stranger to gutters.
I have met many, all over the world, and often face first.
It used to be my proud boast that I had been thrown out of some of the world's finest establishments.
Once in Acapulco, I even had the living shit kicked out of me while lying there.
(A fine drink that Coco Loco.)
I was barely missed by a street sweeping machine outside Count Suckles Q Club in London, (Rum & Ganja) and narrowly missed the drunk tank in Vancouver. (Rum again)
New Zealand has fine gutters.
I have had in depth discussions with many, usually on March the 17th. (Guinness)

Now I clean them with a square mouth shovel.
Kilometre after kilometre of them.
One must pay ones dues...

"I wasn't looking at the speedo, officer"

10 Radiators
4 Turbochargers
1000 Horsepower.

"At 200mph you can feel the front of the car getting light as it starts to lift.
As a result you start to lose your steering, so you aren't even able to steer round whatever it is you can't see because of the vibrations.
Make no mistake, 200mph is at the limit of what man can do right now.
Which is why the new Bugatti Veyron is worthy of some industrial strength genuflection.
Because it can do 252mph. And that's just mad - 252mph means that in straight and level flight this car is as near as makes no difference as fast as a Hawker Hurricane"

Jeremy Clarkson drives the Bugatti Veyron

"Waiter, there is a rat in my salad "

link

Road Wars

"New Zealand researchers say the body count from road accidents in developed economies is 390 times higher than the death toll in these countries from international terrorism.

Researchers led by Nick Wilson of Otago University, reported in a specialist journal, Injury Prevention, that in 2001, as many people died every 26 days on American roads as died in the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

"Policy makers need to consider these issues when allocating resources towards preventable interventions that can save lives from these two avoidable causes of mortality," said Dr Wilson, a public health researcher at the university's Wellington medical school."

Stuff NZ

Turn Left at the fridge, then straight up to the dresser, past the drinks trolly and ...

Soon it will be Christmas holiday traffic madness.
Urban drivers will be let loose on the open road.
All will be high speed madness.

There will be speed cameras, Highway Patrols, &
unmarked police cars, trying to stop Harry the Holidaymaker hurtling through towns on the desperate quest to get to the beach 15 minutes earlier.

Enter Ted Dewan
Mr Dewan is a Traffic Calmer.
Mr Dewan has a cunning plan to slow traffic up.
It could work here.

You move the lounge suite out onto the road.
Also the TV, Drinks cabinet and an 11 FT high rabbit.

Now here is a plan with real potential.

I Like the reasoning too...

" leaving a 4x4 blocking half the street is called parking but a couple of chairs and a magazine rack put in the same place is seen as a senseless provocation..."

I think I should support Mr Dewan's efforts. I better get some odds & ends onto the truck and start furnishing a few work sites.

I'm a standard lamp and parrot sort of person, and I do have a Grandfather clock.

But what to wear?